After the presidency of the hunk became an easy position any fella competent and incompetent can take a stab at, I, too, declare my candidature come next general elections. Given that urais umegeuka urahisi literary presidency’s become an easy job that enables its bearer to eat free and become rich quickly, what am I waiting for?
I've many plans for the hunk among which are:
Firstly, to make my wife a president of women and my kids presidents of kids while my friends and company presidents of making a killing.
Secondly, to make sure that all boozers are driving oil guzzlers due to the discovery of gas and other precious stones in the hunk.
Thirdly, to see to it that every boozer has a lot of dosh so as to stash much in Swiss Banks.
Thirdly, to make sure that my wife, friends and I tour the world to learn how things work out there. I don’t care even if some fyatus will call me Vasco da Gama or globetrotter. I want to represent the hunk almost in everything.
Fourthly, to make sure that everybody enjoys his wealth, I’ll annul the law that forces big people to declare their wealth. This’ll enable them to avoid being robbed and being hated by jealous people.
Fifthly, I intend to allow every boozer to do whatever he or she wants to do especially culturally. For instance, kigodoro and other hanky panky’ll be legalized in order to enable boozers enjoy themselves without any hunky punky as they leave me alone.
Why am I the one and only fits to become your president? First of all, I’m handsome. Secondly, I’m just a baby of 40 years. Also I did my degrees abroad after finding that the education system in the hunk is corrupt and bankrupt. To fix it, I’ll make sure that all school are demolished. I will build rap academies on their places.
Thirdly I’m two in one namely God’s choice and people’s choice.
Fourthly, I’ve a very noble and big name. My father was a prominent politician who wants me to take the baton from him to see to it that ulaji is always in the hands of our family. Apart from being a politico, my pop is a connected guy whose friends and base are helping me a great deal more. I also am going to use his network of friends and partners to see to it that we raise much dosh to defeat others. I’m assured of dosh for bribing voters and journalists to do my dirty laundry of making sure that all those who compete with me are bombed with smear campaigns.
I encourage voters to consider more the size and prominence of the name of the candidate than anything. I also urge all journo who want mshiko and employment in my government to come forth for the task. I've a lot of goodies for journalists and analysts who’ll take on my competitors. I've a lot of jobs in my party, state house and other appointments. So come one come all to do this noble job.
Fifthly, I want to make sure that I serve my hunk by enabling everybody to enjoy life. For, once I ascend to power, I’ll liberalize everything. I’ll allow everybody to do whatever he or she deems fit such as doing whatever biz be it drug peddling, robbing the hunk, selling one’s body, promising lies in politics, forging academic credentials and whatnot. My policy’ll be holela holela which means laissez fair or ruksa or do as pleased.
Sixth, to make sure that all of my family members, friends and partners are enjoying themselves. To begin with, my wife’ll form an NGO that’ll be known as Maulaji ya Wake wa Wakubwa (MAWAWA). Apart from making a killing, this NGO’ll solicit some funds and aids and spend them in my wife’s region. So too, my consort ’ll also run for high position in my party of Chama Cha Maulaji (CCM). My son’ll run for Member of Parliament to make sure that my seat isn't going away from our family. My other sons will make money using my power to see to it that the whole family becomes of millionaire in no time.
To seal a deal, I've already talked to elders, astrologers, clairvoyants, businessmen and women, judges, soldiers, clergy, tycoons, drug barons, and retired eaters who offered to help me to secure this crucial impetus of making dosh. Please, everybody vote for me so that I make you happy.
Source: Guardian July 2014.